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I want to watch Digimon. [12 Mar 2010|04:41pm]
poor weather conditions outside, although we're at like 60 degrees. at least i'm with sol, and we're sitting in front of our computer screens. (for houuuurs, literally.)

I went through a bunch of old entries of the added friends I have on here.

I miss tessa, man.

Miss a lot of people.
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[05 Aug 2009|12:58am]
I just wrote a long fucking entry and it didn't post.

That's a pretty bad feeling.

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[05 Aug 2009|12:46am]
[ mood | fuego ]

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Man.. [30 Jul 2009|09:00pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]

So, things are official. The past entries really show myself how uncertain I was about him, and my life. When he came back from visiting his family for a week in nyc, jersey and shit, he told me that he really really liked me. Not too long after he asked me if I would want to move with him to Virginia, and I accepted. It really took me by surprise given that at I didn't even know that he would want to pursue being with me, and now.. BAM! So, I think I might go. He's working things out with his friend down there, and there might be a job lined up for him. I just got a job here in Buffalo, supervising a nursing home kitchen.. so I'll only have this job for a couple months, tops and then I'm out of here. Further research definitely needs to be done, on so many levels. This is just so new to me, and I feel I will really grow into myself when I know I can live on my own, and depend on myself.

Of course my ma is worried, telling me that I should work for a while and then move down there. I'm seriously running into everything blind. Should it end up bad, then I'll have to accept that. My mistakes are plentiful, so learning from another one wouldn't hurt. I realized that I only have a limited amount of friends, and my best friend being my own cousin. It's not really a shocker to me that I've lost contact with a lot of people, but maybe it's for the best. I know who I want in my life.

I've been so happy since December of last year when we started dating and hanging out from time to time. We have never fought, (knock on wood) and our communication is a gorgeous thing. Everyone has their faults, but I feel like I've found a true friend, and on top of it he's THERE for me. He's mine. Greedy, perhaps. Selfish, perhaps. The happiness I have as of late is fantastic.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

I'll always be a Buffalo chick. I love this city, but everyday I know there is so much better. I'll always love my family, whether they be here or across the world.

Real big things baby, real big things.


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[06 Jun 2009|11:58am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

I think I have to start backing off from what I think is a good thing. I have this deep inside feeling that I'll be getting hurt in the near future, and he's not even going to be phased. It's a scary thought, not knowing the future and what will happen. I'm scared to ask him again, but as a female, I need to know what the feelings are involved in ourselves. I don't think that's so much to ask. I'm not asking for much, but I know my heart is easy to hurt. He's super stuck on his "freedoms", and that's understandable. I guess I just have to do whatever I can for myself, get my shit done, and see what happens. It's not me to accept that the worst is coming.. People may expect the worst, but it's almost impossible to expect the human emotions involved with the daily things that happen. Especially if it is drastic.

I'm going to spend as much time as I can outside, hopefully not clouding my mind with some fucking girl-bullshit.

I'm gonna look pretty.

It's a pretty day.

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BOOGERS [05 Jun 2009|09:23pm]
[ mood | bang ]

What the fuck is happening to me? My life is almost going in reverse, back to how I was two years ago.


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[17 May 2009|11:09pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

My spring semester is done; failed accounting, hopefully did somewhat well in my other classes. Been spending quality time with him.. I haven't felt this continuously happy in a long time. Still looking for jobs, taking driving lessons, shit like that. I'll have my license hopefully in around a month, and I already know I'll be driving a lot of people around. Tis whatever, though.. I'm excited.

I hope this summer is bomb. I'm not going to wake up every morning dreading the shit that I do not have anymore.

Gonna play some WoW. Word.

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Fallacy. [29 Apr 2009|12:14am]
Jealousy and uncertainty has got to be some of the worst feelings.
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R.I.P Aunt Babe [23 Apr 2009|06:24pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

She passed away yesterday, and my cousin Julie called my house and told me the news. She's been withering away in the hospital since she had a stroke, and she wasn't eating. Everything has just kindof hit me when my family and I were just sitting at the dinner table. She was the life of my dad's side of the family. When my father was little, he would spend basically the whole summer out in the country where she lived. In the open backyard, in the house on those shaggy carpets, playing with new found friends. Me, my sister, and all of my cousins would spend the full day outside, whether it be snowing, raining, or sunshine. There was really no dull moment in our family, and her kind-heart, irish attitude and humor just kept our hearts warm. She was always the entertainer, always showing her family a good time. I can't fucking believe she's gone. I know we're all happy that she passed peacefully, because as humans, one does not want to see someone you love suffer. My dad told me, "she wouldn't of had it if she was stable enough to realize that her family is actually taking care of her." Total honest truth.

At the funeral my father is going to say a reading, which I know will make me cry so hard. My sister is home now, which is always nice to see her.

She's going to kill me because I haven't been able to get a job since the last time we spoke.

This has been the craziest few days so far this year. My phone is broken, thanks to me. I have such a bad time handling things when I'm drunk; taking things way out of proportion, and causing just an embarrassing situation for myself.
My cousin is going through some rough shit.. too much drama. Way too fucking much. Found out some shit about a good friend, which I'm fucking HOPING will not turn out how she says it will. Things are definitely changing, and it's really starting to screw with a lot of people. I don't know what will happen.. I want the best for my friends, but I can't be getting in the middle of it. I'm going to hear everyone out, speak my opinion but shit just needs to stop. I feel like i'm in highschool because of all of it.

I feel as if I'm making no sense right now.

Then I start thinking about this 'relationship' I'm in. I don't know how much longer I can go without having some type of 'okay, this is how it is'. There has to be some words spoken, at least to ask him what he sees for the near future.. and I have a feeling he's not going to want a girlfriend, especially not with me. I need to get my shit together, and I know hearing those words come out of his mouth with will make me so frustrated.
I feel so happy when I'm wrapped in his arms; the last night I spent there, I was holding him and he said "You know, you're really awesome Ellen." Blushing, I felt a frog in my throat but it wouldn't happen. There's been a couple times where I'm just so overwhelmed with satisfaction that there is no need for tears. Words definitely need to be exchanged, soon.. and I have to be prepared. (good, and possibly bad) Oh man, am I taking things too seriously? Ever since what happened with my ex, and all that shit.. my head has definitely been twisted around a lot. I feel as if I need to be reminded that I'm being thought about, and someone cares. I know it's hard for a man to do that on the regular.. BAH

Definitely thinking way too much about it, because I know that he cares for me a lot, and maybe it's scaring him a bit too. Way too much analyzing right now.

Only up from here.

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[15 Apr 2009|11:57pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

This has been on repeat for me during certain times of the day, such a beautiful cover of Cy Coleman.

My stomach hurts. Went to a bbq with Nicole and her bf, over to Tammy and Jacobs house. Nicole had her baby on Easter, and got a call from her boyfriend that she's healthy, and my god she's beautiful. Olivia Lou. It was nice to get out of the house, because the past three days I've been pretty much cooped up in front of my laptop, applying for jobs and trying to stay the FUCK off of Facebook.

Gonna play some new games I torrented and call it a night, hopefully.

Do a spread on meh

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[07 Apr 2009|07:46pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

"My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two-hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks. I haven't got the slightest idea who to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out."

-David Sedaris "Naked"


I'm in another rare form right now; sitting here listening to the songs I've already heard a couple times, and right now I don't mind. Scanning through the pages of my rarely used journal, laughing at my drunk entries. Tried to make some plans tonight, but I don't even know why I try. I'm broke, and like I've said before, I hate depending on people for things. I've noticed that I need company more than I ever have. The past two years I always had people around, because I was always with my ex. Always doing something, even if it was nothing. At times, of course it got annoying. Arrrr.

He's been comparing me to his ex, frequently as of late. We've been seeing eachother for around 4 months now, and it hasn't gotten serious or anything, but man I need to make some personal changes. I can't be trying to strive for more in another individual until I get my shit together. I always tell myself that and yet I get so fucking stuck. I'm happy, but then again this jealousy and whatever else I'm feeling is just extra baggage. I suppose it's normal, but it really lurks me sometimes.

Heh, and of course I start writing in my other journal. Weird.

A visit to see my sister will have to be soon. I miss her terribly, and honestly it's the perfect chance soon considering that I'm on spring break.

I dunno.

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[29 Mar 2009|05:27am]
Alright, so I'm somewhat drunk still.. thinking about a lot at the moment. I'm hitting it off with my ex's friend, in which my ex has found out about this relationship about a week ago. I'm iffy about it, not because my ex has FLIPPED out about it.. saying, "You're disgusting, I don't want anything to do with you anymore." but it's just shitty that I have to be the cause of this. I feel as if I'm the cause of it. I'm so content, and happy... and not even in the "lust" kind of way, but just in the content type of connection that we have. I don't know if I can actually be his girlfriend considering that I don't have my life on track right now. I have no job, I have no car, I have no close friends anymore. Not even my cousin is around as much as I liked. I feel as if a lot of people are judging me for the shit I'm doing now, which is basically nothing. I don't blame anyone for hesitating to hang out with me, I have nothing to offer anyone anymore.

I shouldn't say that, because honestly if someone wants to really spend time with me, even to give hugs and smoke some goddamn cigarettes, that's fine. I'm such a simple person and I feel as if people see me as this judgmental little whore that will do anything for some alcohol and some painkillers, but it's not like that. I've had so many rumors spread around about me, and yet I keep on thinking to myself that I don't care. I do. I care so much about what people think about me, even if it's good or bad.. but I get over it. I've lost and gained so much over the past years, and I regret most of it. A lot of people would say, "I don't regret anything that has happened." That's total bullshit. Not total, but what can I do now? What can I do but live and learn from my mistakes... and yet I feel as if I can't make it past what is the present.

My household is empty. My father works the nightshift, and my mother is still an alcoholic. She does everything she is able to do. She goes to work, and in the recent months she has done so much for this house. My kitchen is being remodeled and she's the one that goes to Lowe's, and Home Depot, and wherever else around this great fucking city to make this house feel like home... when it's not. She feels like she doesn't have support anymore, that's why she drinks. I haven't spoken to my sister in a month or more.. and it's killing her that Jane doesn't want to speak to her anymore. I'm struggling so hard. I'm trying to make her happy, by applying for jobs, doing my college homework... but I see her, sitting there on that FUCKING couch and drink herself into a stupor, with her medication and allergy medicine in her system. I don't understand why she has to take sleeping pills at night, I don't understand why she has to take those allergy pills. She doesn't have fucking allergies, there is no cat in this house to make her fucking sneeze. Oh, Patricia the nurse knows her drugs. I can't blame her. I've learned the symptoms, effects, downsides, physical outcomes of drugs where when she speaks about some things I completely understand. I'm not perfect, and no one in my family is perfect. Haha, and of course I see an ad for the school my sister is enrolled in right next to this box I'm venting in.

Anyway. I'm iffy on being in a relationship. My ex is disgusted with me, and I know I shouldn't care. He wanted to be my friend recently, and we hung out... which was honestly a pretty bad move on my part. I should of never went back there to do anything. I wanted to see the dog, straight up. Now, he might be shutting my phone off which will cost him around $250 for the cancellation fee. I told him, "have fun paying it"... because honestly, him being 7 years older than I am... He's acting like a little fucking child. Posting all these happy status' on facebook, as if I'm going to be jealous that he's having fun. I'm over it. I feel more mature now than ever, now that I've been through as much stuff a girl my age could go through. I'd like to think that I'm done dwelling on stupid shit, but no one is EVER able to rid of their minds. My brain is complex, I already know.. but when anyone throws me stupid fucking signals as if I'm going to pick up on them, and configure them, and possibly PITY them?! Fuck that. I'm an angry fucking irish girl, and I've been raised to the best of my ability. I'm going to learn what is best for me. I love the human flaws, but my GOD we cannot seem to rid of anything that is addictive. Whether it be sex, the world wide web, writing, drugs, sex, glamor and self appreciation... we will never be able to drop any of it.

I haven't had a sense of straight PEACEFULNESS in so FUCKING long. I'm not going to lean on anyone for it, but when I can't find that myself.. I tend to get scared. I took my dog for a walk today, and listened to my ipod, walked past these streets that I would frequently visit on a daily fucking basis and just be the happy little lemon that everyone knew me as. I can't find that stable medium for me to be content on. I know I will, because I'm still young. I'm a big girl in my head, but my heart still wants to dance in the grass while trying to do backflips. This is making me cry, but god it feels so fucking good to type out.

I used to write so much in my journals. My sister and her boyfriend made me this shelf/storage space for me to hold stuff. It's got a painted elephant with a bird at the end of it's shnoz and I'm holding a good 10-15 journals in there ever since I was around 14 years old. MY GOD I WAS CRAZY. I still am, and I know I always will. I love so many people that have came into my life, and some of them I don't even know their last names. Those people that made such an impact on my life will always be remembered, I'm not a shady person when it comes to my memories. And yes, I was a major pothead at a good portion of my life.. but THANK GOD that I wrote some of that shit down. I hurt people, I straight up made people hate me. That's life. LIFE. Life..

It's scary that my generation has been surrounded by the internet. It's quite scary that I can come to an internet journal and feel comfort in these keys while my brain twitters with thoughts and emotions, while not even thinking twice about what my fingers are doing. Being expressed as an individual has totally lost its purpose. It seems the only way a person can do this is in their writing, their portrayal (or betrayal) of whatever anyone sees as art. The talent that human beings have is absolutely incredible, and we're destroying this earth as if it's a piece of paper. It's fucking sickening. I'm ready to bounce out of here when I'm around 30 years old, move to a secluded part of New Zealand, or any part of the European countries (which is from what I've heard is the best place to live, and raise a family. Depending on where you go, of course.) There is no rush for anything, because by the time I'm 55 years old, the population will be around 9 BILLION. That's insane, and I'm sure I'll be vouching for a free lift to outer space where I can raise my animals, and feed off of my interwebz, canned food, self tanners, telescopes, email, animals and erotic vibrators in which I hope will be so inventive at that point.. that I won't even feel myself orgasming and it'll be aaaalllright. I'm rambling at this point, but my god.

The birds are chirping so fucking loud, and at this point it makes me want to do a dance for some fucking freezing hail to shut them the fuck up.

Now it's time to wander around this aimless amount of information as we all call the internet.

Take it as you will.
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So [20 Feb 2009|12:22pm]
[ mood | naughty ]

School is going pretty well for the most part, but I have absolutely no money. It's my cousins birthday tomorrow and I borrowed some money so we can go out and get whatever. I've been getting to know someone, as of late. I've known him for as long as I knew Chris, but yet this is much more fulfilling. Although it does suck having no transportation rather than a bus, when I'm in the presence of him all those things just drop out and feels like I can really fucking smile again. My ex has been telling me that he's been trying to mack it, and I told him that he's a slut. Straight up. He is, and he knows it. He's trying to get some "tail", but honestly I think he's comparing all girls to me, at least personality wise. I was pretty lenient for the most part, and I helped out around the house. Oh well. I'm finally not tripping over the stupid shit, because I need to get my life up and together.

Been getting up on scratchin', which is awesome. It's a big release.

I miss swimming though, I have a class in the gym part of the campus and I always want to ask when the pool is open. I've been having a hard time breathing recently, my lungs aren't what they used to be, that's for sure.

Ugh, Mcdonalds breakfast is kicking in. Gross.

I had an extended family member die in the 1307 crash. Our family is still waiting on the memorial or anything. It's terrible.

I miss my sister, so bad. I need a job on SO many different levels.


Tah tah.

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[08 Jan 2009|11:09pm]
So, he moved on. Just saw a myspace picture of him and his new girl. Black hair, lip peircings, fake fucking black eyebrows. How can he find someone and actually want to be with them after what we had? Why am I still stuck on something? "The flames are all long gone but the pain lingers on." Thanks, good 'ol floyd. I've learned to take my time, breathe and just move on. I've moved on but why am I always shot back into this position?

I'm better without, I have to keep telling myself that.

Fuck. Fuck this.
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[20 Dec 2008|12:00am]
Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lasso the moon and the stars and pull that rope tight?
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morning poops [21 Oct 2008|09:26am]
[ mood | weird ]

are probably the most painful shits ever

i'm going to school now


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Suppose. [07 Aug 2008|09:09pm]
[ mood | high ]

Did something drastically change? Did my personality just twist around and choked in on itself? This is absolutely stressing and all I'm doing to cure the whatever feeling I have is chomping hard on these alphabetic pretzels and stare at the middle of my computer screen and watch it start to flicker. It's not really flickering, but sitting well deep into the darkness makes things flicker a bit, fuzz up and such.

There's mighty rain and heavy thunder going on right now. I always liked sitting on the porch while it is raining, possibly smoking and letting some rain drops hit me from the wind.

I might be doing some traveling soon, possibly right before the school semester starts. I don't know. I have to find time to just get out of Buffalo for a short while. Go to NYC to see my friend Justin. I wanted to head over to the west coast, but I don't see that happening anymore. Although flight tickets aren't that expensive; I don't know.

It's nice gaining a good amount of motivation just from doing some simple tasks, or talking to people. I was drinking vodka last night like it was water, and besides that.. three people said that I looked like I was in good spirits. [eheh, spirits.. vodka] It's a really fucking nice to hear that, basically because I've been wearing the opposite of that for most of my life. I was smiling a lot last night, and it's kindof embarassing when thinking about it..


Have to get up early for a workshop tomorrow morning.

I'd like some comments. I miss a certain boy.

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Slaughter. [23 Jul 2008|02:06pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]

Expect it. Soon.

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I need new speakers. [22 Jul 2008|07:36pm]
[ mood | sore ]

I'm getting way too many pop-ups on this fucking computer. The tower is hinting to me, "I am going to melt your harddrive and you will be screwed."

I'll be getting a new vehicle sometime within the next few months, going to school next month and probably working full time. I've been thinking on getting a tattoo soon, something simple.. but I know that I'll eventually regret it. Definitely will get something for my grandpa, maybe a mix of things. Nothing too extreme, even though I am fucking extreme. HXC.

I'm always forgetting about this journal; I write two pages at least every night, after I read a little bit. So, why not post on the interweb as well!?

Fuck. I love music.

I'm loving these autosaving capabilities on most internet "bloggers".

Anyway, more later.

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look at my elf ears. HAH [04 Jun 2008|11:30pm]
[ mood | intimidated ]

Deagol is getting so old. Since I'm not living in south buffalo anymore, I won't be able to see her as much. I'll miss her, and my family of course. Sentimental as that may sound, I can't help but be depressed. "Being depressed" has taken a hold on shit. I can't let that be fact though.

You know me.

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