||[29 Mar 2009|05:27am]
Alright, so I'm somewhat drunk still.. thinking about a lot at the moment. I'm hitting it off with my ex's friend, in which my ex has found out about this relationship about a week ago. I'm iffy about it, not because my ex has FLIPPED out about it.. saying, "You're disgusting, I don't want anything to do with you anymore." but it's just shitty that I have to be the cause of this. I feel as if I'm the cause of it. I'm so content, and happy... and not even in the "lust" kind of way, but just in the content type of connection that we have. I don't know if I can actually be his girlfriend considering that I don't have my life on track right now. I have no job, I have no car, I have no close friends anymore. Not even my cousin is around as much as I liked. I feel as if a lot of people are judging me for the shit I'm doing now, which is basically nothing. I don't blame anyone for hesitating to hang out with me, I have nothing to offer anyone anymore.
I shouldn't say that, because honestly if someone wants to really spend time with me, even to give hugs and smoke some goddamn cigarettes, that's fine. I'm such a simple person and I feel as if people see me as this judgmental little whore that will do anything for some alcohol and some painkillers, but it's not like that. I've had so many rumors spread around about me, and yet I keep on thinking to myself that I don't care. I do. I care so much about what people think about me, even if it's good or bad.. but I get over it. I've lost and gained so much over the past years, and I regret most of it. A lot of people would say, "I don't regret anything that has happened." That's total bullshit. Not total, but what can I do now? What can I do but live and learn from my mistakes... and yet I feel as if I can't make it past what is the present.
My household is empty. My father works the nightshift, and my mother is still an alcoholic. She does everything she is able to do. She goes to work, and in the recent months she has done so much for this house. My kitchen is being remodeled and she's the one that goes to Lowe's, and Home Depot, and wherever else around this great fucking city to make this house feel like home... when it's not. She feels like she doesn't have support anymore, that's why she drinks. I haven't spoken to my sister in a month or more.. and it's killing her that Jane doesn't want to speak to her anymore. I'm struggling so hard. I'm trying to make her happy, by applying for jobs, doing my college homework... but I see her, sitting there on that FUCKING couch and drink herself into a stupor, with her medication and allergy medicine in her system. I don't understand why she has to take sleeping pills at night, I don't understand why she has to take those allergy pills. She doesn't have fucking allergies, there is no cat in this house to make her fucking sneeze. Oh, Patricia the nurse knows her drugs. I can't blame her. I've learned the symptoms, effects, downsides, physical outcomes of drugs where when she speaks about some things I completely understand. I'm not perfect, and no one in my family is perfect. Haha, and of course I see an ad for the school my sister is enrolled in right next to this box I'm venting in.
Anyway. I'm iffy on being in a relationship. My ex is disgusted with me, and I know I shouldn't care. He wanted to be my friend recently, and we hung out... which was honestly a pretty bad move on my part. I should of never went back there to do anything. I wanted to see the dog, straight up. Now, he might be shutting my phone off which will cost him around $250 for the cancellation fee. I told him, "have fun paying it"... because honestly, him being 7 years older than I am... He's acting like a little fucking child. Posting all these happy status' on facebook, as if I'm going to be jealous that he's having fun. I'm over it. I feel more mature now than ever, now that I've been through as much stuff a girl my age could go through. I'd like to think that I'm done dwelling on stupid shit, but no one is EVER able to rid of their minds. My brain is complex, I already know.. but when anyone throws me stupid fucking signals as if I'm going to pick up on them, and configure them, and possibly PITY them?! Fuck that. I'm an angry fucking irish girl, and I've been raised to the best of my ability. I'm going to learn what is best for me. I love the human flaws, but my GOD we cannot seem to rid of anything that is addictive. Whether it be sex, the world wide web, writing, drugs, sex, glamor and self appreciation... we will never be able to drop any of it.
I haven't had a sense of straight PEACEFULNESS in so FUCKING long. I'm not going to lean on anyone for it, but when I can't find that myself.. I tend to get scared. I took my dog for a walk today, and listened to my ipod, walked past these streets that I would frequently visit on a daily fucking basis and just be the happy little lemon that everyone knew me as. I can't find that stable medium for me to be content on. I know I will, because I'm still young. I'm a big girl in my head, but my heart still wants to dance in the grass while trying to do backflips. This is making me cry, but god it feels so fucking good to type out.
I used to write so much in my journals. My sister and her boyfriend made me this shelf/storage space for me to hold stuff. It's got a painted elephant with a bird at the end of it's shnoz and I'm holding a good 10-15 journals in there ever since I was around 14 years old. MY GOD I WAS CRAZY. I still am, and I know I always will. I love so many people that have came into my life, and some of them I don't even know their last names. Those people that made such an impact on my life will always be remembered, I'm not a shady person when it comes to my memories. And yes, I was a major pothead at a good portion of my life.. but THANK GOD that I wrote some of that shit down. I hurt people, I straight up made people hate me. That's life. LIFE. Life..
It's scary that my generation has been surrounded by the internet. It's quite scary that I can come to an internet journal and feel comfort in these keys while my brain twitters with thoughts and emotions, while not even thinking twice about what my fingers are doing. Being expressed as an individual has totally lost its purpose. It seems the only way a person can do this is in their writing, their portrayal (or betrayal) of whatever anyone sees as art. The talent that human beings have is absolutely incredible, and we're destroying this earth as if it's a piece of paper. It's fucking sickening. I'm ready to bounce out of here when I'm around 30 years old, move to a secluded part of New Zealand, or any part of the European countries (which is from what I've heard is the best place to live, and raise a family. Depending on where you go, of course.) There is no rush for anything, because by the time I'm 55 years old, the population will be around 9 BILLION. That's insane, and I'm sure I'll be vouching for a free lift to outer space where I can raise my animals, and feed off of my interwebz, canned food, self tanners, telescopes, email, animals and erotic vibrators in which I hope will be so inventive at that point.. that I won't even feel myself orgasming and it'll be aaaalllright. I'm rambling at this point, but my god.
The birds are chirping so fucking loud, and at this point it makes me want to do a dance for some fucking freezing hail to shut them the fuck up.
Now it's time to wander around this aimless amount of information as we all call the internet.
Take it as you will.