LN (lemon_war_heads) wrote,
LN
lemon_war_heads

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R.I.P Aunt Babe

She passed away yesterday, and my cousin Julie called my house and told me the news. She's been withering away in the hospital since she had a stroke, and she wasn't eating. Everything has just kindof hit me when my family and I were just sitting at the dinner table. She was the life of my dad's side of the family. When my father was little, he would spend basically the whole summer out in the country where she lived. In the open backyard, in the house on those shaggy carpets, playing with new found friends. Me, my sister, and all of my cousins would spend the full day outside, whether it be snowing, raining, or sunshine. There was really no dull moment in our family, and her kind-heart, irish attitude and humor just kept our hearts warm. She was always the entertainer, always showing her family a good time. I can't fucking believe she's gone. I know we're all happy that she passed peacefully, because as humans, one does not want to see someone you love suffer. My dad told me, "she wouldn't of had it if she was stable enough to realize that her family is actually taking care of her." Total honest truth.

At the funeral my father is going to say a reading, which I know will make me cry so hard. My sister is home now, which is always nice to see her.

She's going to kill me because I haven't been able to get a job since the last time we spoke.

This has been the craziest few days so far this year. My phone is broken, thanks to me. I have such a bad time handling things when I'm drunk; taking things way out of proportion, and causing just an embarrassing situation for myself.
My cousin is going through some rough shit.. too much drama. Way too fucking much. Found out some shit about a good friend, which I'm fucking HOPING will not turn out how she says it will. Things are definitely changing, and it's really starting to screw with a lot of people. I don't know what will happen.. I want the best for my friends, but I can't be getting in the middle of it. I'm going to hear everyone out, speak my opinion but shit just needs to stop. I feel like i'm in highschool because of all of it.

I feel as if I'm making no sense right now.

Then I start thinking about this 'relationship' I'm in. I don't know how much longer I can go without having some type of 'okay, this is how it is'. There has to be some words spoken, at least to ask him what he sees for the near future.. and I have a feeling he's not going to want a girlfriend, especially not with me. I need to get my shit together, and I know hearing those words come out of his mouth with will make me so frustrated.
I feel so happy when I'm wrapped in his arms; the last night I spent there, I was holding him and he said "You know, you're really awesome Ellen." Blushing, I felt a frog in my throat but it wouldn't happen. There's been a couple times where I'm just so overwhelmed with satisfaction that there is no need for tears. Words definitely need to be exchanged, soon.. and I have to be prepared. (good, and possibly bad) Oh man, am I taking things too seriously? Ever since what happened with my ex, and all that shit.. my head has definitely been twisted around a lot. I feel as if I need to be reminded that I'm being thought about, and someone cares. I know it's hard for a man to do that on the regular.. BAH

Definitely thinking way too much about it, because I know that he cares for me a lot, and maybe it's scaring him a bit too. Way too much analyzing right now.


Only up from here.
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